Hi again!
Since I was last here, I got into a university in Boston for a master’s program. Even though I have formally accepted the acceptance, I am still mentally accepting it.
[Trying to counteract my nerves and excitement with this chill playlist I made, So Cooollll playing in the background as I type this]
Before I tell you more about that, in last time’s post, I wrote down a mini-list of things I would like to have done before I write again, and here’s where we are with them:
find at least three exciting things about my Europe trip,I DID!!! I am staying with one of my high school best friends and her girlfriend in Vienna when I land, and then we are both meeting up with another friend in Barcelona before I head to my program.
I am nervous and excited to have time to only think about sound, music, and art for almost a month.
I am going to be in the mountains surrounded by nature, and I have been wanting that for so long. :)
buy my tickets to and from Europe,change my bedsheets,and get a new toothpaste tube.
On my mind today is the fact that I might have moderate level ADHD, according to my therapist, and that I am going to be in Boston from September onwards. I suddenly have so much travel in my future, and the thought of it feels exhausting. In 2022, I just decided I wanted to move to New York because I could, and one of my best friends was moving there, too, anyway, so I made it happen and was so excited. I was the opposite of exhausted.
This year, everything that’s happening feels slightly heavier. I think I am scared to go so far away from my parents, and I am more aware of my grandmothers getting older. I lived away for most of my childhood because I went to a boarding school and then a sort of traveling college. I didn’t feel this heaviness that much then; I was just excited about all the possibilities. As I get older and more aware of death, uncertainty, and fear, I feel heavier.
I think it’s going to be okay though. I know I can trust myself to take care of myself. My therapist always reminds me how clear I am about my needs and wants. It’s in the action stage that my ADHD and overthinking brain gets stuck.
This song feels like my soundtrack for moving to Boston. I made a whole playlist to listen to as I board my flight in August.
I want to end with some reflection on what I hope for this Substack.
I usually dream myself into impossible futures that overwhelm and paralyze me. More than anything else, I want this space to be a consistent part of my life. To do that, I need to keep it easy to keep coming back. I’ll then slowly increase the challenge of writing this. So, I am starting with simple entries talking through events happening in my life. As we go, some posts might be travel posts and some reflections on my emotional life. And I hope to make some friends along the way!
I am ending with this tiny list because I’ve learned that my ADHD brain likes the stakes it creates, and I am excited for the reward of telling you all that I did what I said I would do:
apply for my France visa + schedule an appointment with VFS!
finish the other hand of the mitten pair I am crocheting for my mom
book my tickets from Vienna to Barcelona
and set up a journal for the Europe trip!
Visit N’s grandma <3
I’ll see you again once I get the above things done!
Here’s a parting song for you. It’s playing as I wave goodbye today, singing:
Inside here, is the answer
I’m punchdrunk, but I’m free
Inside here is the spirit
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?